Depressed and Despair...

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It's early, I know, but I can't help. I'm in a middle of a HUGE situation right now. I don't know how to put these into right and proper words without adding some/read:lots/of my emotion and anger in it. All of these situations make me stressed and it simply ruined my mood and day. I don't know how to face it anymore.

Anyway, you don't have to read this if you don't like or whatever. I just have to get these out of my head, or else, I'm going crazy real soon, well, I'm half way there...

You know, I don't wanna be in this situation either. You're not the only one. But what to say and to do? I know me very well, even you're one of the most closest people in my life. I know what am I capable on and what I don't. You just can't push me like this. You said that I don't take this thing seriously, you've got to be kidding me. That simply means, you don't know me at all, even we're so close. Don't you know I always see them with a jealousy eye? Envying their situation and all those stuffs? You just don't know me. This is hard for me too. I know why you acted this way, it's all for my own goodness, but I don't like the way you treated me, the way you pushed me that hard, though I don't know if sweet words are working for me or not.

I want to be just like them, but I guess luck isn't my best friend at the moment, and that matters a lot to me. I need more luck rather than everything else that you've mentioned before. I know it's wrong to think this way and just to rely on this Goddamn thing called luck, but I have no more idea about what to do. I can't think of other way, I almost giving up. Now I just resigned to it.

I know our situation and how bad it's gonna be, I really want to put my hands on it too, not much but at least I could help it, but how? Can't figure it out. Moreover, they weren't very supportive after I speak up what's inside my head, then what should I do? You tell me. I've been into couple of them, but it always ended up this way, I'm tired. I can't deal and struggling with something like this. Just because I don't have strong determination on this thing, you can say that I'm not thinking seriously about it. Or well, perhaps it's true, but not 100%. It's because I'm tired of all these situations. Rather on keep trying, I choose to giving up and let it that way, like whatever will be, will be. I'm depressed and in total despair...

Will you help me, God? I do really need those two, help or luck, or even better if I can have both.

Luck never gives; it only lends. ---Swedish Proverb